Knowing He loves...me

Certain times in my life have felt more breakable than others.  Lately I feel much stronger than I have in a long time.  Today though I had a fragile day.  I have no idea why, but I was brimming with tears as I left for church.
I forced myself to walk outside to my car.

I approached the building telling myself...really Christy it doesn't matter.  Your husband and kids still love you...no matter what you look like today.

I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this was not why I was there...to feel beautiful.

I busied myself with arranging my belongings and children.  Accidentally my entire family placed themselves a seat away from me...I tried hard not to make a scene.

I was seriously in the moment of trying not to feel so stupid about my silly fragile feelings when I looked up as a woman smiled at me.  I automatically smiled...I'm not sure how.  Then I wondered if her smile was meant for me.  I turned to Christian.  Then I looked back at her and Christian had made eye contact and greeted her.

I figured I was right...it was meant for Christian.  She smiled and said hi to him.  I didn't think much about it and then as she walked by me she paused.  Placing her and on me and leaning in she told me how beautiful I was.

I don't even know what I said in response...probably something very lame...but inside I knew that she was sent to me today.

Tears pricked my eyes as I wanted so bad to reach behind me and hug her for helping me.

I know many would think it was a coincidence, but I felt so strongly that it was a sweet reminder that I'm loved by Him...even when I'm being childish.

The rest of church was amazing.  I feel stupid that I let it bug me today.  I usually push passed it...there are so many better things to think about...but today it got the best of me.

It was good for me and very humbling that even when I'm weak and silly I'm still loved by my Father in Heaven.

Resuming again...

The last few weeks have been a fantastic breath of fresh air...that I absolutely needed.

Feeling I was in this dark fog that I would never remove from my life...now I do see the sun and feel its warmth.  I have to say I've missed it.

I forgot what it felt like to laugh...I mean really laugh without anything stopping me.  No pang...or ache to dull the eruption of laughter.  I forgot what a day would feel like when I could busy myself around the house...and want to do it.  I couldn't really accomplish much...just sat in my jammies all day hoping the clutter, laundry, and dishes would evaporate since I had no energy to help them back into place.

I looked at old photos of me when Emmy & Bryce were really little...

I was happy and my face illuminated from my precious life.  I am starting to feel that girl again...though I truly believe now...I'm happier.  Though my heart has been broken...I appreciate this happiness far more than I did with baby Emmy.  I wasn't sure at times...but falling into a sorrowful place makes the climb back up sweeter and brighter...than if I never fell in the first place.

It has taken many prayerful hours to realize this isn't the time to add a little one to our family.  It hurt to finally hear that answer...but once I accepted it, I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father.

Between grief and wanting...I couldn't separate my feelings from the answers from Heavenly Father.  I felt like I was going to lose my mind.  But now the soft sweet feeling that I know everything will be okay and one day I will get to hold another of my own children in my arms and give Emmy and Bryce the little sister or brother that they have craved for over three years.

My breath of fresh air came with a new chapter in my life.  I said goodbye to my 20s.  To be honest, at first, I wasn't sad to see them go...they about killed me...but then I started thinking about everything I did in my twenties...becoming a wife, a mother, and having my sweet Declan...it wasn't easy and sometimes I resented the way life happened, but it was absolutely more than worth all of the tears, frustration, and piecing together my obliterated heart.

Ironically hitting the milestone has helped me in many ways.  It made me realize I still have a lot of life to live...hopefully...and dreaming is still a possibility even after sorrow and dark, dark days.

I had the opportunity to see an amazing van Gogh exhibit for my birthday.  It took my breath away walking into the huge space with his works projected onto dozens of walls.  He always has been my favorite painter.  As I read quotes from him I felt his love for color and nature...thus creating the passion to paint.  I kept wanting to reach out and touch the beautiful light projecting his works...almost becoming part of the painting for a brief moment.

Dreaming was what I brought home with me from seeing his work...

My passion to continue my journey with the book I have been writing since Emmy was a baby was lit after the exhibit.  I never talk about it with anyone, but my family...but I completed the first book in a trilogy and have begun the process of trying to be published.  I'm not sure if it will become what I hope it will...but I honestly am just grateful that I was able to complete it.  I wasn't finished when Declan died and I almost threw it away...I didn't see how I could write any longer...it hurt too much.  Somehow the loss of Declan and my outlet of writing here has made me a better writer...which probably isn't saying much. 

I'm sure this blog is scattered and crazy...with a ton of typos and grammatical errors, but in this I have found myself again.

Thank you for all the support of this blog and my nonsensical ramblings.  It was the way I stayed sane through the last 19 months.  I might have been lost without it.

It still brings me to tears how much people have supported us.  My birthday brought with it a flood of birthday wishes and I sat at my computer and felt the tears sting as I felt so loved.  I always have felt very small and insignificant...no one will ever know how much it has meant to me when people reach out to me in any form.  I will never forget it as long as I live.

Thank you!

Oh lovely...

I went to the store yesterday and one of the ladies working exclaimed how much my kids look alike.

"Are they twins?"  She asked.

I thought that was strange since there are 3 years difference between the two of them.  I glanced at Emmy as I said they weren't...all my kids just look alike.  I'm sure she was puzzled why I would answer that way since all seemed a strange way to sum up two kids...but I didn't bother explaining.

I thought a lot about it as we left how much my kids did look alike...especially as babies.  But even now other than gender and curly hair they look so much alike.  Emmy's growing up so tall.  She isn't much shorter than her big brother.

I find myself not wanting to explain most of the time...not because I'm not proud to be Declan's mom or that it makes me sad to talk about...it just is a bit exhausting having to elaborate.  When I say three kids and I have two little kids they look at me trying to figure out why I left my newborn somewhere or why I have an older kid missing.  So then it's an explanation about who Declan is...which is fine, but I've found the conversation tends to wane after death enters it.

I don't blame them.  Honestly if I were in their shoes I would be blindsided too...not exactly knowing what in the world to say to a woman who just told me her baby died in his c-section.

So now I just don't saying much about the number of kids...unless asked directly.  I've gotten good at the sum up, but trying to keep it light makes me sound like it doesn't effect me.

I remember at Declan's viewing a woman who I didn't know, until later, came up to me as I sat in a chair by the door.  She placed her beautifully aged hand on my arm and said, "You must be the mother."

I nodded.

Sweetly she patted me and told me she had lost a baby herself.

I didn't know this woman, never had met her before in my life...but I was so grateful to her.  It was all she said.  Nothing else.  She didn't tell me he was in a better place.  She didn't tell me it gets better.  She didn't even tell me she was sorry.  Her eyes told me everything...she knew.  She had walked my path before and survived.

Something I have been so grateful for is those who just know...you don't have to tell them how hard or awkward it is to introduce your family...they just get it.  The pain you feel...they understand.  The way the grief hits you at strange moments...they have been there.  The way that hole will never be filled...has been their reality as well.

No words need to be expressed.  They know.

Unthinkable...

Lately I haven't spent much time perusing blogs.  But late one night, having trouble sleeping, I stumbled across a blog that touched my heart.

A mother, a writer, had two beautiful children.  She wrote of funny things her children said, did, and seemed like an ideal family.

Then an accident, her son drown, in a flooded creek.  Leaving her daughter alone with no big brother to grow up with, a father with no son to play catch with, and a mother with a huge hole in her heart.

As I read this mother's entries as she talked of her son and the wonderful boy he was and she, like any mother, had wanted to watch him grow past 12...I was heartbroken for her.  I didn't even know this woman, but I cried for her and her family.

One particular entry that stung my heart was her describing finding something that smelled like her son.  Everything had accidentally been washed.  Finally they found a shirt and her daughter and her inhaled the scent of Jack.

Seriously, I had to bite down on my lips because I was sobbing so hard.  I put away the Ipad so I wouldn't read anymore.  I went and laid next to my only living son and watched him slumber so peacefully...as if nothing horrible had ever happened to him.

I wept and tried desperately not to wake him.  When he began to stir from my crying I kissed him on the hair and stood - leaving a pool of tears on his pillow.

How grateful I was right then for Bryce.  I have never wanted to brush aside the children I have living for the pain of losing one.  But in the daily life of craziness, even though I understand acutely how much it hurts to say goodbye to a child, I forget to take time to appreciate them the way I should.

Reading of this woman lose her only son made me think of how much I had wanted another boy.  Declan had been my answer to prayers.  I'm not sure why, but I had desperately wanted a boy.  As my daughter had come looking just like her big brother I was pretty sure it would happen again.  Since Declan was a surprise and we didn't know what gender he would be, I had hoped so hard that he was a boy.  I felt so sure he was...though others had told me they thought he was a girl.  When I found out I was thrilled and heartbroken at the same time.  How much I had wanted that little boy and how excited I was that he looked just like his big brother...

My dear friend from high school had to deliver her son much too early.  It has been an amazing miracle to watch him survive against all odds.  It reaffirms that Declan wasn't meant to be here and quite honestly I never, ever would want this for anyone.  I already had to watch my aunt and uncle go through it...which is torture.  Knowing their pain and knowing that nothing I do will make it go away...is terrible.  It is a wound that cannot be healed quickly or through any other way but the Atonement.  Not to say that people are useless and their help isn't soothing.  But there is only so much that can be done.  I found that out quickly when I would have a hard time sobbing in the middle of the night...not even Christian could comfort me.  It meant a lot that he would hold me and cuddle me in my darkest hours, but only the comfort of the Spirit would reach deep into my soul and pull me from my horror.

I am so grateful to those who were there for me and still are.  It seems only yesterday I came home from the hospital and now I am planning another blanket donation for Declan's 2nd birthday.  How quickly time is speeding ahead.  There is so much of me that wants to be past the pain and anguish of each day and only have days, not months of it.  But then a lot of me doesn't want Declan forgotten.  I worry about it, probably more than I should.  I know we won't or my kids won't forget him...and lately I have had many remind me that they won't either.  Honestly, that means more than anything...remembering.

Unexpected...

I sat with Emmy on my lap during church.  I listened to the announcement of yet another baby and tried to push out the sinking feeling threatening my tears.  Then out of nowhere Emmy shifted uneasily as she looked around.

Her small girl eyes had noticed what I try to avoid.  Quietly she voiced this observance, "There are a lot of babies in here."

Almost trembling I nodded and said, "I know."

Then a moment passed and she added.  "Why?"

"I don't know."  I offered not knowing what to say; trying to keep my emotions in check.

"Because they need to have them?"  She offered me.

I nodded and thought that was the end of the conversation.  My small daughter had voiced what I only allow myself to think each Sunday.

Then she said the words I have been dreading..."I wish we had a baby."

Tearfully I told her I did too as I hugged her gently.

"I wish we had a Declan baby."  She finished miserably.

A smack would have produced less tears.  I couldn't hold them back.  I had feared that she had been missing her brother lately.  She has been so emotional, not wanting to sleep in her own room, and telling me how lonely she is at home.

How I wanted to assure her that someday she will be able to offer her big sister responsibilities on a baby...but I couldn't.  All I could do is brush away the stream of tears.

I have felt better lately.  I have an unspeakable peace when it comes to Declan.  But there is a pang each time I find out that I'm not going to have a baby in my arms in 9 months.

I even, for my own sake and those around me, have had to put my dreams of having another baby on hold...my heart couldn't take the pain.

Emmy wanting a baby just makes that pain more real.  I want it for her...maybe more than myself.

I had to wait almost 7 years to have a little sister.  I wonder if that will be Emmy sometimes.

I really can't complain.  Bryce was a surprise we weren't even trying for.  Emmy took longer, but not even that long in the grand scheme of things.  And Declan...well he was instant the minute we decided to add a third child to our family.

I suppose that is why 18 months after Declan has been a bit puzzling.  I have never had to wait like this.  I know that is pathetic to the years and years many of my friends and family have had to wait.  I suppose in the tiniest, pinhole way I can understand the agony of not getting that sweet baby when your heart is crying for it.

I made peace with it...so I thought...but now a new wound has opened.  For Emmy.  Her desire for a baby makes this all new and hard all over again.

I was surprised I was able to pull it together the rest of church...it helped that I was able to help teach Bryce's primary class.

When I arrived home something was waiting for me...

...as if it were just for me to remind me that everything is going to be okay no matter how hard it is.  I'm not forgotten.

Even if it does take several years...my arms are open and waiting.

Voids filled...

Six o'clock came and went...it felt good to actually sleep in.  As I awoke both my kids were in my bed watching a movie.  Snuggling into them I realized how much I missed having the both home.

I didn't realize how lonely I have been with just one child at home.  Emmy is amazing...she keeps me laughing.  But I didn't even notice how much I missed having Bryce home during the day.

Watching them play at the park on Monday made me realize how lucky I am.  I've known it since they were snuggled in my arms as babies...but now that they are growing up time is slipping away.

Being a mom is a huge blessing, but is sometimes overshadowed by tasks.  I tend to stress about silly things instead of looking at the big picture:  they are only small for a brief period.

I ask Emmy every day to stay little.  She has agreed to it, but if only that was not just a wish.  Though she can have terrible tantrums, they are few and far between.  She usually is just a spunky, fun-loving girl that I have the pleasure to hang out with each day...all day.

I look at Bryce and wonder where the baby went that I so distinctly remember having over six years ago.  Then I go to school to pick him up and see that he is still so sweet and little.

Last night I happened to notice the running shirt Christian was wearing.  It isn't unusual for him to wear one to bed, since he has a zillion of them, but this one caught my eye.  Oct. 16th, 2010.  Each time I see 2010 my mind automatically figures where in the process I was with Declan: pregnant, just lost him, funeral, or grief.

I remembered this race.  We had all gotten up early and gone.  Still swirling with the hole punched into my heart, it had been good to do something normal.

That hole will always be there missing Declan, but something I have noticed lately is that the two little sweethearts I get to see each day spill over into the void and have made it not hurt so much.

(We were waiting for Bryce parked in the
car when I took this)

I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who has never forsaken me in my times of need.  He blessed me with three children...all of which have strengthened me and inspired me to strive for more from myself.

I am eternally grateful for a Savior that suffered for all pain, not just sin, so that I could seek for help when I have no where else to turn for relief from heartache.  So many times in my life I needed Him to comfort and uplift me and He has never failed me...even when I have Him.

Breathing underwater...

Disappointment touches us all.  Sometimes I feel that they seem to pile up all at the same time.

Tears fall and arms wrap around myself as I try to find the strength to keep hoping that all this is meant for something.

A piece of me is screaming inside wanting to lash out angrily...nothing feels more justified in the moment seeing the hard work end in merely a slap to the face.

Each glimmer has been snuffed out almost the moment it ignited.

This time I thought that glimmer had been it...the end of an era.  It was now a new chapter.  Not so.  Back to Chapter one.

I feel as though I have been treading water - just staying afloat and then along comes a boat that cascades a wake that shoves me under.  I'm desperately clawing myself back up, but only to be consumed once again.

Haven't my efforts been valiant?  Almost ten years, not enough?

Even as I write this I know the answer...yes it has.  It just isn't over yet.

I know I'm not alone in the water.  Many have been here and are still here...especially lately.

I'm just tired...so tired.  My treading is becoming such a taxing burden.

I loath that it is difficult.  I want to take each set back with grace and ease...somehow that fails me.

In my despair I opened my scriptures and read several verses before my eye and heart caught on this one...

"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive."
(Alma 7:23)

Even through the disappointments and the pain that consequently plagues me I know that I am not alone.  In the moment I momentarily forget...but He is always there to remind me that my pain, though small to others, isn't to Him.  It matters to Him...because it matters to me and I matter to Him.

If I could calculate the tears shed for this purpose it would fill a small swimming pool.  I added a good amount tonight...but I know it will be okay...even if I don't see how...

Unseen potential...

I stopped running last May.  I just couldn't do it any more.  I was hurting and I was stressing about it so I gave up.  I honestly did not plan on running again.  I just wanted to set that aside for other things.

A couple of days ago I was talking to Christian about a race he wants to run in May, ironically the one that I did the last time I ran.  As he talked I thought a little bit about running the race with my son and pushing my daughter in a stroller...while Christian ran way ahead of us.

After talking to my sister about the race I pulled out my running stroller and plopped my three year old inside.  Placing my earbuds in my ears I began to run again.

The first couple of steps I checked my time frequently.  It's only been 1:39?!  Then something happened...it didn't seem so hard.  I pounded the pavement at a snail's pace, but I was actually running.

I checked my watch:  7 minutes!  I had planned just going 10 just so I didn't get discouraged.

I checked what felt moments later:  11 minutes!

I couldn't believe it.

I checked again not feeling tired:  14 minutes!

My mind was not understanding.  I couldn't run more than 7 minutes when I started running after Declan.  I couldn't run more than 10 minutes after Emmy (and I was in a lot better shape after her).

I focused that I would run 20 mins and lost myself in thought.  I felt I was right back at the beginning.  Declan had just died and I ran to stay sane.

Each step I got more emotional until I realized something...I'm stronger since having Declan than I had realized.

I never had the mental strength to run.  As a teenager I loathed running.  I remember in high school wanting to die each time they told us to run a 20 minute cool down, that is a workout in my eyes!

In college my roommate loved running and I worried about her running alone at night so I went with her and really disliked it every minute.

Then I ran my first 5k in college with Christian...it was embarrassing and miserable.  I walked most of it.

After Declan died I felt that running was the only way I could get outside my crazy head.  I ran and ran and ran feeling the exertion was the only reason I didn't scream my head off every day.

I felt close to Declan as I ran.

I still do.

Yesterday as I ran I felt him close.

As I rounded the corner to my house I looked at my watch: 25 minutes!  I was shocked and very emotional.  Tears streamed down my face as I slowed in front of my house.  I'm not the same Christy that used to dislike running because she would give up before she started.

I felt as though my Heavenly Father was showing me that I am more capable than I give myself credit.

Declan has brought out a strength in me I was unaware of...even now.  I am so grateful to him for that...even though sometimes I wish I could have him instead of the strength.

So I have begun another running journey...who knows how long I might do this one...but I'm excited to see.

L-O-V-E

As I drove to drop off Bryce today I was amazed how quickly yesterday's festivities fade.  The pizza delivery car that had previously sported pink lights and covered in red and pink hearts was back to its usual self.  Little shows of the excitement of the previous day except for a few candy wrappers, sprinkles, and the occasional valentine left on the sidewalk.

How quickly the normal days return.  We all get excited for holidays and when they are over...*sigh*.

Yesterday I started a new tradition, starting from my sister's friend.  I got a cute foam mailbox and had everyone slide their love notes to each other for a few days before V-day.  Last night I make chocolate cupcakes (whole wheat of course) and sat around the table as we cracked open the mailbox.

Every time Emmy received a valentine she gasped, "Oh!  Thank you mommy!  That was sooo sweet of you!"

As I watched my Valentines look at their hearts and notes I had written to them and they had written to each other my eyes fell to the two left...for Declan.

Bryce had decided a few days ago that he wanted to write Declan a valentine.  I hadn't even thought of that myself.  I let him write one.  Then as I was getting out the Valentines I saw in Christian's writing:  I love Declan.  Tears stung my eyes.

I told Bryce we could send Declan's valentines on a balloon...but I haven't done it yet.

It's strange how life seems so normal now.  I don't fall to pieces anymore.  I have long stretches where I don't think about the hole in my heart.  I don't look in my backseat and only see the empty seat...I have two that are full!

I didn't expect this.  I thought I would always feel what I lost override everything I already have.

I decided a few weeks ago that I would focus on the kids I have now.  I would never stop talking of Declan, but it wouldn't consume my life so much that I couldn't function the way I want.

At my baby cousin's funeral I made bracelets for all the kids that read his name and then everyone wanted a Declan one too...like the one that I wore.  I made each of my nephews one and my own kids.  I also made some for my sisters.  My kids didn't like wearing theirs.  I got home and found then all over the house.  I picked them up and kept them feeling a little sad they wouldn't wear them.  The other day I found Bryce's.  I showed it to him and he told me he wanted to wear it to school.

It is worn out now from him wearing it so much.  In an attempt to take off his sweater in the car the bracelet was pulled off and fell under the seat.  Yesterday Emmy exclaimed as she got into the car, "Bryce!  I found your Declan bracelet!"

Bryce smiled, "Oh thank you Emma, I was looking for that."

Today is my grandma's birthday...the first since my grandpa died.  I hope that it is a good day.  Two firsts in two days...a lot for one week.  I know now how hard each first is...something I know I wouldn't if Declan were in my arms at this moment.

May our lives be filled with love each day and celebrate it often.  Hopefully yesterday was a wonderful day...I enjoyed watching one of my favorite movies...

"Oh, it's nobody's fault but my own! I was looking up... it was the nearest thing to heaven! You were there.."  (An Affair to Remember)

My heart is with all of you missing your sweetheart or your valentine hasn't met you yet...remember you are loved!

Right where I want to be...

Bedtime is my least favorite part of the day.  Many times I have found myself rushing through as each second ticks off my head screaming, "You're losing time!"

By the time my kids are asleep and I am able to relax for the night I start feeling bad for how crazy bedtime was.

Last night neither of my kids went to bed.  Six, seven, even eight o'clock went by and still no one was asleep.

Typically I lose it.  My frustration gets the best of me and I bark orders to get into bed.

Last night I didn't.

I calmly told them I would see them in the morning.

Did they go to bed?

No.

Finally, Bryce begged to sleep in my bed.  He was struggling to sleep.  Worrying is common for him.  Last night was a bad night in that regard.

Emmy had napped yesterday, so she was wide awake and not wanting her own bed either.

I let Christian off the hook so he could get some sleep.  He found a quiet place away from the craziness.

As I laid in between my kids, they had been unable to stop talking when they were next to each other, I realized that was right where I wanted to be.

Emmy was hiccuping as she nestled right next to my ear.  Every thirty seconds I felt a jolt and then *puff* of air from Emmy's little girl nose.  Then Bryce was curled up on my other side giggling in the other ear every time Emmy hiccuped.

It was ten thirty, insane and I loved every minute of it!!

We went to Lowe's the other day to look at a few things and as we progressed through the store an elderly couple walked by and caught our eye.  They were looking admiringly at Emmy.

Christian and I smiled at them.  They smiled back and replied, "Our daughter had hair just like that."  Referring to the chaotic mess of golden curls on my sweet Emmy.


We chatted for a minute and then went on our way.  A little while later we ran into them again.  Christian struck up another conversation with the woman.  He asked where their daughter was now.  They replied on a mission for our church.

Christian asked for what church and realized they were LDS.  It was cute to listen to their daughters adventures in another country where she was serving.

At the end of the conversation Christian asked if it had gone fast.  She paused for a second and then said, "You know it did.  Enjoy them while they are this little soon she will be off doing her own things and all grown up."

As she left I thought about life once my kids were grown.  I'm sure there will be wonderful times ahead.  But I know I will miss the time they are tiny and discovering the world.

Someday Emmy won't inform me that she did something, "by her big girl self."

How grateful I am for the two of them.  They have been my little light at the end of very difficult days.

I love little reminders from those that have walked our path before us.  This time is precious.  My dad often reminisces of the time when my sisters and I were young.  I can tell those were sweet days for him.

How I wish I could freeze time right here.  I love them both right where they are.  But each new year I love them even more...so maybe it isn't bad that we must go on and grow up.